Shika and Quiet Chouji's Boring Day
by Relatively Unknown
Summary: A humor fic. It stars Shika and Quiet Chouji (think Jay and Silent Bob) and their boring day as they encounter the rest of the Naruto cast as other characters. One-shot, really stupid.


A/N: This is just a pointless AU one-shot, and basically the result of too much Mountain  
Dew at 1 AM watching _The Butterfly Effect_. (Don't ask.)  
  
My muses aren't even hanging around, so it's just me. Plain ol' me. XD  
  
I'll tell you who everyone was, or at least the inspiration for them, at the end. Try and see  
how many you get.   
  
_DISCLAIMER_: I don't own these characters, movies, quotes, storylines, anything.  
Seriously. I don't. All I own is waaay too much Mountain Dew and too many DVDs.  
Also, don't tell me that the cussing is too bad for a PG-13 rating, because I've heard the  
F-word in several PG-13 movies. Like _Timeline_. I watched it tonight... last night...  
whatever.  
  
-----  
  
"Rollin' fattys, smokin blunts, who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts. Rollin'  
blunts and smokin'..." Shikamaru was singing when a kid approached him.  
  
"Uh, let me have a nickel bag," the kid said.  
  
"Fifteen bucks, little man, put that shit in my hand, if that money doesn't show, then you  
owe me, owe me, owe, my jungle love, yeah, owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, I think I want to know  
ya, know ya, yeah, what?" Shikamaru sang, bag in one hand, the other opened for money.  
  
"What the hell are you singing?" the kid asked.  
  
"You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and  
sent down to the greatest band in the world: the mother-fcking Time," Shika replied,  
incredulous that the kid didn't know it.  
  
"You mean the guys in that Prince movie?"  
  
"Yeah, _Purple Rain_," Quiet Chouji told him.  
  
"Man, that shit was so gay-- fcking eighties style," the kid said, giving them the money  
and taking off with his nickel bag.   
  
"You know what Quiet Chouji? Let's take a walk. It sucks here," Shika said.   
  
Quiet Chouji nodded and they walked down the street. Shika lit a cigarette and took a  
drag, damn that felt good. He and Quiet Chouji had been best friends forever, but he had  
only ever heard the guy say a couple of sentences and monologues. He just didn't talk.  
Ate, but didn't talk. Shika, on the other hand, talked a lot. He liked to talk. He liked  
cigarettes, too.  
  
"Hey, look! It's that reporter chick from Channel 3!" Shika said, pointing to a flurry of  
pink hair. "Let's go get an autograph." They started on their way over when a guy called  
down to her from a window a few floors up.  
  
"Hey, Sakura, Donnie and the boys are on the line, they say it's important!"  
  
"Alright, Charles, I'll be right up!" she replied, and headed back into the building.  
  
"Aw, damn, we missed her. Screw this puppy, where do you wanna go?" Quiet Chouji  
made a motion with his hands. Shika knew he was doing the rolling of a video camera.  
"Yeah, let's go down to the movie lots. Maybe we'll see someone famous or something."  
  
So they took the subway and hung around outside the movie gates. They weren't  
supposed to, but they kept coming back and eventually the guards gave up throwing them  
out into the street. Caused too many wrecks or something.  
  
Sure enough, a green-clad guy strolled out with a woman in a weird looking dress. Shika  
recognized the guy as the action hero Rock Lee. His last girlfriend had been in love with  
guy (creepy) and mentioned that he was starring in an action remake of Robin Hood.  
_Wasn't he the guy that wore tights or somethin'?_ Shika wondered. He shrugged.  
Whatever.  
  
The girl he knew to be one of those up-and-coming hot actresses. She was a foreigner,  
and had accent that sounded like Austin Powers, but still hot. Even in that weird looking  
dress. Her name was... what was her name? Heenana? Nihana? Nihata? Hinata! That was  
it!   
  
"I love doing my own stunts. It hurts, but never mind the pain! Did you know I've broken  
several bones? Twice? Yeah, but pain's okay. I like pain," Lee said. Shika thought that  
the guy must've seriously smoked waaay too much shit.   
  
"You like pain? Trying wearing a corset," Hinata replied, and left. Shika turned and  
looked at Quiet Chouji.  
  
"What's a corset?" He received a shrug. "Eh. This is boring. If nobody's gonna speak  
Americanese, let's go somewhere else."  
  
They took off walking again. As they walked past the high-rise section, Shika looked up  
at the bank clock to see what time it was. Eh, still too damn early. He felt a tugging and  
looked at Quiet Chouji, who pointed up. A guy was on a little ledge, way up there. He  
looked like he was talking on the phone or something.   
  
"What the hell?" Shika asked. The guy looked like he was trying to go somewhere, but  
gave up and went back in. "What was that all about?"  
  
Quiet Chouji shrugged. He didn't know. As Shika tried to think about it, he caught sight  
of a hot chick on a motorcycle. She had here hair slicked into two buns and wore what  
looked like a black catsuit or something. Shika was in love. He was just beginning the  
fantasy when the guy was from earlier was walked out and put into a car. He looked back  
in time just to see the girl speed off.  
  
"Damn! There goes the love of my life!" Shika cried out. Quiet Chouji rolled his eyes.  
Shika did this a lot. Soon, the girl was forgotten, Shika had lit another cigarette, and they  
were on there way again.  
  
They decided to rest on some steps. They were big steps, too, leading up to one of those  
huge buildings with columns in the front. Somebody sure was rich, Shika decided. He  
couldn't help but overhear a weird conversation from the two guys in front of him.  
  
The one guy looked like he was half-animal or something and was chewing on a cigar.  
The other guy looked like a seventies reject with shaggy silver hair and one of those  
go-tee things or whatever they were.   
  
"Look, bub, just give me the directions to Winchester, New York, got it?" Animal-Guy  
said.   
  
"Alright, mister, just give me a sec and it'll all be groovy, okay?" the reject said, getting a  
map out of a the dash of a one-effin'-colorful van. "Zoinks, this map is mess!"  
  
"You know what, forget it, hippie," Animal-Guy growled and walked towards a camper.   
  
"Wait, mister, I found it!" the so-called hippie said.   
  
As they were talking, a guy was thrown out of the big building by a cop. He wore a black  
suit and sunglasses. He stood up, brushed himself off as if it that happened everyday, and  
looked around. He approached the two guys talking, and it became three guys talking.  
  
"Hey, I need a ride to New York to find a friend. You headed that way?"   
  
"Yeah, I am, or trying to," Animal-Guy said, glaring at the hippie guy. Shika found this  
all really amusing. He lit another cigarette.  
  
"You know what, man? Just take the map," he said, handing the map over and walking  
back to the colorful van.  
  
"I'm Shino. You got a name?" the suit guy asked.   
  
"Kiba. And that's enough of those damn questions," Animal-Guy replied, as they got into  
the camper.  
  
A few minutes later some others came out and join the guy in the van. Two hot girls.  
Some guy. But two hot girls. Shika was in fantasy land again, but he did hear the other  
guy ask the hippie guy something.  
  
"Hey, 'Kashi, where's the map?"  
  
They soon drove away, however, and Shika was pulled out of fantasy land. He sighed,  
stubbed out his cigarette, and told Quiet Chouji they were going by the college so he  
could stare at the hot girls.  
  
On the way there, they passed a guy with a huge dog. He had his hair pulled back in a  
spiky ponytail and looked panicked. The dog was sniffing around. The guy was stopping  
everyone-- including them-- and asked if they'd seen a guy walking around in nineteenth  
century clothing. They had shaken their heads, petted the dog, and kept on walking, but  
did hear the guy say, "Smooth move, Iruka! Leave him alone for one minute..."  
  
The arrived at the college campus and wondered around a bit. Shika fell in love with  
another girl, this one a blonde in a pink outfit. She had a weird-looking dog that was  
smaller than that streaker from earlier's... well... yeah. The little dog yipped, and Shika  
watched as the girl pulled out something and unfolded it. It was bowl or something, and  
she filled it with bottled water for the dog. After it was done, she folded it back up.  
  
"Hey, Ino! Over here!" someone called.   
  
She waved and went over to join them. Shika started to follow, but Quiet Chouji stopped  
him and pointed to the big clock that was on one of the buildings. It was getting late and  
they hadn't had any lunch. So they headed over to a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant  
nearby. They sat in a booth next to a guy who looked paranoid and had freaky white eyes  
and another hot girl. Damn, did Shika know how to find them or what?  
  
The girl was trying to call the guy down, but it didn't look like it was working to Shika,  
'cause he started in on a rant.  
  
"I can tell you the license plate numbers of all six cars outside. I can tell you that our  
waitress is left-handed and the guy sitting up at the counter weighs two hundred fifteen  
pounds and knows how to handle himself. I know the best place to look for a gun is the  
cab of the gray truck outside, and at this altitude, I can run flat out for a half mile before  
my hands start shaking. Now why would I know that? How can I know that and not know  
who I am?" the guy said.  
  
_Damn_, Shika thought, _and I thought I had problems with just getting laid_. They left not  
long after and Shika soon forgot them and ate. He was hungry.   
  
It was getting dark out and they started walking home. However, as they walked by this  
one place with a lot of motorcycles and cars parked outside, Shika couldn't resist  
following two hot girls inside. Quiet Chouji had no choice but to follow and try to keep  
his friend embarrassing himself too much.   
  
He lost sight of Shika in there, but did see someone playing a film. He himself liked to  
make little films and decided that it might be worth a watch. It was about some guy who  
had just stolen a senator's car to protest. The camera was at an interesting angle, he had to  
admit.  
  
"He also wants video games banned because he believes that they're destroying  
education... come on, Dick, it's the only education we got," the guy said.   
  
Quiet Chouji watched as the car took a header off a bridge and the guy jumped out of it  
with a parachute. After the big finale crash, the screen went blank and a logo came up  
saying "The Sasuke Zone". _Hmm_, Quiet Chouji thought, _I'll have to look him up. He's  
good_. Just then he caught sight of his friend and dragged him away from the party.  
  
They kept on walking towards their home in the 'burbs when they passed some guys  
setting up a street racing drag strip. Shika was big fan of street racing (at least, it looked  
on Midnight Club) and decided to watch. They were at the end of the track, so they got to  
see the big finish. Some guy had apparently put his pink slip on the line.  
  
"Dude, I almost had you!" the guy said. The winner, which Shika thought must be famous  
because everyone shut up to hear what he would say and do, raised an eyebrow at that.  
  
"Ask any racer, any real racer. It doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile; winning's  
winning," he said.   
  
The crowd cheered and chants of "Naruto!" started up. Shika and Quiet Chouji took off  
after Quiet Chouji reminded him that the cops probably would be showing up soon by  
making a siren noise. So they left and kept on going their way home. After a subway ride  
they arrived back at their Quickie Mart.  
  
"So, meet ya here tomorrow?" Shika asked. Quiet Chouji nodded and went left. Shika  
went right.  
  
Same old boring day.  
  
A/N: Yeah, I know, totally warped and it makes no sense. Maybe that's why I'm so  
proud! XD Anyhow, here's the who's who:  
  
Shikamaru -- Jay from _Jay and Silent Bob_ (pick a movie)  
Chouji -- Silent Bob from _Jay and Silent Bob_ (pick a movie)  
Sakura -- April from _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_  
Lee -- Robin Hood from whichever movie you want. (I like _Men In Tights_ myself.)  
Hinata -- Elizabeth from _Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl_  
TenTen -- Trinity from _The Matrix_ (she was the one on the motorcycle, just in case)  
Kiba -- Logan from _X-Men_  
Kakashi -- Shaggy from _Scooby-Doo_ (don't tell me you can't see it!)  
Shino -- Elwood from _The Blues Brothers_  
Iruka -- Stuart from _Kate & Leopold_  
Ino -- Elle from _Legally Blonde_  
Neji -- Jason Bourne from _The Bourne Identity_  
Sasuke -- Xander Cage from _xXx_  
Naruto -- Dom Toretto from _The Fast & the Furious_  
  
And yeah, Lee's talk was actually somebody I know mocking Jackie Chan. Bleh. I like Jackie   
Chan. He's cool. And no, I wasn't makinf fun of Shaggy. I love Shaggy! I think he's  
adorable.  
  
Basically, I went through my DVD collection with a notebook. It's 3 AM now and I'm  
going to post this. I can't believe I did this. I feel... giddy. Or maybe that's the four 24 oz.  
Mountain Dews I've had. Whatever. 


End file.
